Love dances and pulls me close
Love dances and pushes me apart
And forces me into our next level of growth
But when she does that thing
That only she would take the time to do
A dance so sacred
In one swift move
I look down to see
She is all inside my heart..
Walking her friend home
I needed to come back and share the twists and turns of this journey with my Twin Flame.. Life is a growing process.. we have to keep moving forward. The work of opening a path is of great importance, so even if I should happen to experience moments when it feels like I am fighting against all odds as my world is being shaken and torn apart, and rebuilt into something different, I still feel compelled to share the journey.
There are twists in this journey since last May that I have only now come to a place where I have a glimmer of retrospection.
Before then, we were traveling along, her spirit body came into my dreams and slept with me there. I could feel her every second of the day. Through vibrational changes I could tell when she was thinking of me. I could feel her so close. It was there I fell in love with the soft soft of her Two Spirit divine feminine for she is a Cheyenne Two Spirit, and in my current life I have never loved a woman like that..
Last May she took a journey that she was all excited to take as she prepared to take it. Then she left for the weekend and when she came back her whole world had been shattered and torn apart. Inside of her head she was screaming. Then she put on a goodbye song to me and told me that she was leaving and that I would be ok…
Then she left… and while I could still feel the remnants of her sweet fragrance, the one who held me so softly in the night was gone, and she now stood hidden behind her male energy.. (When she told me she was leaving she said that if she did not grow from this..well she had to leave because she had to grow from this.)
For me there was no disconnect button. I held onto her even though my heart felt like it was breaking. I transformed myself into a River Song and followed the Blue Butterfly who was determined that I was going to continue my journey with her sister..
I drifted along with her until one day I discovered that there was a girl inside my heart weeping, and that girl was me. So I just went to my Twin Flame and said, “I have to go away now.” So I hit the ‘disconnect’ button.. and went away to weep..
She followed me, arriving in another place where she sang her song until I quit weeping and hit the ‘reconnect’ button..
After that I could feel her move close and pull apart, move close and pull apart.
I found this to be difficult and disheartening, as the days stretched out between ‘move close and pull apart’ I began to grow weary and longed for the Great Bear who guides me through my Winters sleep to show up and just let me dream into the next year.
I had been singing her my River Song, through pictures, without words… and when I arrived at some of the pictures she would make them her Icon too… so we would share heart pictures.. and then when I arrived at Lion Pictures, well, she pretty well stayed connected to me there..
but still there was no meaningful exchange. She did not return to me the love I felt. And the one sidedness of my connection to her began to feel like a wound upon my heart as she was caught in a loop pulling me close and pushing me away. I could not strike out at her. She is ultra sensitive when someone strikes out at her, but inside my spirit I was thinking, “People are always thinking I am unbreakable, but they are are wrong. I am breakable, and I feel broken here in this place. So now I just need to go find the Bear (even though it is months before he will show up) and find my medicine in my dreams.”
So I went to her, and as beautifully and as elegantly as I could put it I told her, “You are all inside my heart and I can’t stop that… I am going to the Bears cave to await the journey.. If you should happen to miss me, I am but a click away.. Going to explore the dream time”
Then without disconnecting from her I left. I did not look her way, in the way that she could see I was looking, but I still watched her from a distance to see if she continued to keep our matching Lion pictures up..
I left, went to dream and awoke to find myself staring at a Green Sun with 3 Moons… It was a picture that I knew I had to get down on paper.. and that day, when I went to see if she was still carrying the our Lion picture I saw that she had changed her picture to another girls picture..
My first reaction was “she is telling me that she found somebody new” that when she said she was leaving she was already gone… but there was this dream that was calling to me, one that I knew I had to paint, so I knew that I should just watch and see where the story traveled to next. I needed to stay in my medicine and continue painting the picture from the dream.. so I changed my icon to the unfinished picture from the dream..
The next day sh comes back with another picture of the girl and says that her friend passed away yesterday…
There has been this underlying thought within me all along, ever since she left, but Blue Butterfly told me not to leave (regardless of the struggle against what feels like pain) I have had this feeling that the transformation of the Twin Flame journey requires a devotion of friendship to each other.
In the beginning, when she left so abruptly, it was clear to me that friendship was being required of me, but it is with this last event that I can see that in the same way she is learning about how to hold a friendship with me..
It is like my lesson in friendship is to have the faith to let go when she says she needs to tend to something…
and her lesson in friendship with me is ‘this is how to tell her you have something you need to tend to so that her heart will not feel broken when you are gone..