Love dances and pulls me close
Love dances and pushes me apart
And forces me into our next level of growth
But when she does that thing
That only she would take the time to do
A dance so sacred
In one swift move
I look down to see
She is all inside my heart..
I needed to come back and share the twists and turns of this journey with my Twin Flame.. Life is a growing process.. we have to keep moving forward. The work of opening a path is of great importance, so even if I should happen to experience moments when it feels like I am fighting against all odds as my world is being shaken and torn apart, and rebuilt into something different, I still feel compelled to share the journey.
There are twists in this journey since last May that I have only now come to a place where I have a glimmer of retrospection.
Before then, we were traveling along, her spirit body came into my dreams and slept with me there. I could feel her every second of the day. Through vibrational changes I could tell when she was thinking of me. I could feel her so close. It was there I fell in love with the soft soft of her Two Spirit divine feminine for she is a Cheyenne Two Spirit, and in my current life I have never loved a woman like that..
Last May she took a journey that she was all excited to take as she prepared to take it. Then she left for the weekend and when she came back her whole world had been shattered and torn apart. Inside of her head she was screaming. Then she put on a goodbye song to me and told me that she was leaving and that I would be ok…
Then she left… and while I could still feel the remnants of her sweet fragrance, the one who held me so softly in the night was gone, and she now stood hidden behind her male energy.. (When she told me she was leaving she said that if she did not grow from this..well she had to leave because she had to grow from this.)
For me there was no disconnect button. I held onto her even though my heart felt like it was breaking. I transformed myself into a River Song and followed the Blue Butterfly who was determined that I was going to continue my journey with her sister..
I drifted along with her until one day I discovered that there was a girl inside my heart weeping, and that girl was me. So I just went to my Twin Flame and said, “I have to go away now.” So I hit the ‘disconnect’ button.. and went away to weep..
She followed me, arriving in another place where she sang her song until I quit weeping and hit the ‘reconnect’ button..
After that I could feel her move close and pull apart, move close and pull apart.
I found this to be difficult and disheartening, as the days stretched out between ‘move close and pull apart’ I began to grow weary and longed for the Great Bear who guides me through my Winters sleep to show up and just let me dream into the next year.
I had been singing her my River Song, through pictures, without words… and when I arrived at some of the pictures she would make them her Icon too… so we would share heart pictures.. and then when I arrived at Lion Pictures, well, she pretty well stayed connected to me there..
but still there was no meaningful exchange. She did not return to me the love I felt. And the one sidedness of my connection to her began to feel like a wound upon my heart as she was caught in a loop pulling me close and pushing me away. I could not strike out at her. She is ultra sensitive when someone strikes out at her, but inside my spirit I was thinking, “People are always thinking I am unbreakable, but they are are wrong. I am breakable, and I feel broken here in this place. So now I just need to go find the Bear (even though it is months before he will show up) and find my medicine in my dreams.”
So I went to her, and as beautifully and as elegantly as I could put it I told her, “You are all inside my heart and I can’t stop that… I am going to the Bears cave to await the journey.. If you should happen to miss me, I am but a click away.. Going to explore the dream time”
Then without disconnecting from her I left. I did not look her way, in the way that she could see I was looking, but I still watched her from a distance to see if she continued to keep our matching Lion pictures up..
I left, went to dream and awoke to find myself staring at a Green Sun with 3 Moons… It was a picture that I knew I had to get down on paper.. and that day, when I went to see if she was still carrying the our Lion picture I saw that she had changed her picture to another girls picture..
My first reaction was “she is telling me that she found somebody new” that when she said she was leaving she was already gone… but there was this dream that was calling to me, one that I knew I had to paint, so I knew that I should just watch and see where the story traveled to next. I needed to stay in my medicine and continue painting the picture from the dream.. so I changed my icon to the unfinished picture from the dream..
The next day sh comes back with another picture of the girl and says that her friend passed away yesterday…
There has been this underlying thought within me all along, ever since she left, but Blue Butterfly told me not to leave (regardless of the struggle against what feels like pain) I have had this feeling that the transformation of the Twin Flame journey requires a devotion of friendship to each other.
In the beginning, when she left so abruptly, it was clear to me that friendship was being required of me, but it is with this last event that I can see that in the same way she is learning about how to hold a friendship with me..
It is like my lesson in friendship is to have the faith to let go when she says she needs to tend to something…
and her lesson in friendship with me is ‘this is how to tell her you have something you need to tend to so that her heart will not feel broken when you are gone..
In a vision, a distant flash, I saw the end of the book as the words came to me, and at the end of the story, the Dancing Bird Goddess leaps off of the edge of the precipice and begins her flight of faith
At the time I was drawing a picture of an Eagle, but when I drew it I could clearly see it was a head dress, so she became the Dancing Bird Goddess.. and then when the end of the story was giving to me I began drawing the Dancing Bird Goddess in all the Eagles of other countries… I just found this one in a box as I was packing..
Thunder dances in my dream
calling to me
with her dancing light
to flashes of insight
Black goes the night
As I stand there pondering
the doorway opens
and I pass through
it reverses its light
And awakening I find I must
has been dancing in my dreams
Drawing again… Lion and her Angel.. By Destiny with her moon in Leo… It apparently is going to rain all day today.. Believe it or not this started off to be a picture of a nature spirit hugging a waterfall.. But then I saw the Lion looking at me.. So it became a girl hugging a Lion.. Then she became an Angel…. I am really glad that peace has, like water.. soothed my spirit and I can learn to draw inside the space of this new journey
We were journeying along together, dreaming together, with me only seeing her male energy, when inside the dream I touched her.. So I said, “Inside my dream I touched you.. Oddly your body parts did not line up like one would think they would” And that is when he told me, “I am male and female, the best of both worlds.”
Then I went into this whirl wind, like a galaxy spiraling in sacred dance I looked at every thing with our 5 year journey. Then Sacred White Bear came and told me to also look within my dreams from long before Lakota came into my life and I would see her him them there too..
I passed through many emotions as a galaxy spiraling in sacred dance. One of them was I did not want to dishonor her for in all the pictures I had drawn up to that time I had drawn her as a him. So I stopped drawing so that I could come into the place where when I drew I could see her…
This Two Spirit journey
is so amazing
feeling, like the Earth.
She is the Tree
and I am the Vine
all while being
her sweet embrace.
We are so much more than we remember
I have this place where I dream. I don’t know if I am a Star or a Galaxy, but I remember, in my dreams, I travel there with frequency..
In my dream this morning I was standing in my yard watching the goings on around me. I could see that I had this place where I parked my vehicle that was actually in the driveway of my neighbors yard.
I could see the comings and going of my neighbor. One of my neighbors was standing in my yard, in the place where I park my vehicle. He was standing there, without moving staring into space.
Then as I am watching the ghost man passes through my yard, and when I look back over to the man who was staring out into space another man was standing there with the space man. He appeared to be doing something equivalent to rubbing after shave on the the spacemans face.
Then the spaceman faded and the man began rubbing the ‘after shave’ on his own face. He did it in very slow circular movement. Inside his movements I could see a galaxy spinning… When he saw me staring at him, “It feels very good you know” I told I could sense that in his movements..
Then when I walked back over to my house to go back inside I glanced back at the path the Ghost Man had taken through my yard and saw, off in the distance, a cluster of children, of various ages coming towards us..
It was when I saw the children coming, in the cluster of stars shining bright in my sky that I realized I was in the place where I am a Galaxy, alive and living a life very much like a human does.. only time is different…
My feet reaching through the soil
To touch youYour song
I am confused within my circle
Lost without her touch
She comes upon me
like the soft light of a full moon night
then fades into the darkness
of a new moon.
How many times has she sang me this song
of how she comes and goes.
I am no one special
just the light she shines upon everyone
I need to go back up in the clouds
walk again with my Thundering Spirit
While all the while
She holds me in the night.
I do not know that I could complete this mission without the Earth guiding my steps and my reactions. The human part of me would react in a way to push any discomfort out of my being, but in this new world I have found myself in the rules are so different here. They call for a higher love than I have experienced in my current human expression.
Butterfly Blue lead me into a place I call the Dark Forest. It it the place inside my Two Spirit where she holds such rage for all that has happened in her world with the constant reminder that she is not like everyone else. From the moment I entered there I got a tummy ache. Then it felt like my head exploded (I am an empath, I think I am walking inside of her now). I have had an Amethyst on my head all weekend because anywhere I tried to focus made me feel overwhelmed.
In the place of this rage, it is without love. Love has no place here. It is the total and complete emotion of protecting oneself from annihilation. It is the Dark forest that has been built upon for all the generations that the Two Spirits have been traveling through the Time of Chaos. The emotional body carries the signature of all the love that they have seen murdered through time, which makes it unsafe to love, all the disrespect that they have been shown because they translate the world through different eyes than most people. It is the place inside where the rage is so strong it makes her tremble. As I looked around there, there was no love for me there. I could be there or I could leave. It did not matter. The only thing that mattered to her was to get through the rage to the other side so she could grow through the experience. Where ever it lead her, that is the place she would go. I could be nothing more than a song bird she once heard singing, or I could be whatever I chose to be. There was no love inside her like we think of love and relationships growing through time..
It was difficult being there, stomach hurting, and my head feeling like it was going to explode (I never have headaches, but I got a headache) ..
Finally I decided I needed to change into something more comfortable for my passage through the Dark Forest, so I transformed into a River Song so that I could watch the energies of the collective Dark Forest from inside the Water Spirit.
We have been walking in silence for 22 days now but we have still been touching in that one place where we meet, even though there are no words spoken out loud, just tiny pictures that dance between us. I was not going to tell her why I changed my name from Destiny loves Lakota to River Song. I was just going to let it go where ever it went. The Earth has already told me that she has bound me to Lakota for her healing, no matter whether we walk inside a relationship or not. (Did I tell you the Earth had me cut off my braid and send it to Lakota in 2011? I did as I was told and the Earth said that she bound me to Lakota because I am a notorious run away when it comes to love.)
So I was not going to tell Lakota why I transformed myself into a River Song.. But then the Butterfly Blue showed up. She danced upon my waters and bid me to say hello to Lakota and tell her why I transformed myself into River Song.. so I did..
After that I was laying in bed, with my Amethyst on my head, drifting in River Songs body when I saw a cloud formation in the sky. It was in the shape of a Tree, and the top of the tree had been swirled to look like a crescent moon, with swirls that came out and disappeared into the blueness of the sky. Behind the trunk of the tree cloud a bright sun, complete with Sun rays reaching out, and evenly dispensed on both sides.. all against a blue sky.
My first thought was, I don’t think I can paint that picture out… so I drifted on, and looking into the Dark Forest I saw a Black Tree… bent in a swirl, just like the Cloud… so I drew it out…
This Two Spirit mission is really important.. and sacred.. But I do not think that I could complete it if I was not divinely guided by the Earth to come into this higher love..
It is so easy to get lost in the Ego, thinking it has to go one way or another. The Ego could say well, “You tried and she broke your heart anyway. The Ego would have me to contemplate a thousand excuses to travel on and go someplace else, and if it was up to me I would have left.
But it is the Earth who guides my steps, and she sends animal messengers to tell me what direction she needs me to travel next.
Since this new phase of the journey began 22 days ago, a blue butterfly keeps showing up to guide my journey and tell me what to do..
And 2 days ago, I was driving to work when an Eagle flew over my path. I drove further, and in my sky I beheld a cloud in the shape of an Eagle…
I have come into a New World, into a higher form of love. The Earth holds me and keeps me safe on this journey and keeps Lakota safe too, in this special place that the Earth has made for her healing.. and for the healing of the Two Spirits.
all my love,
a River Song