Archive for the ‘Trail of Tears’ Category

The healing path, journey to being a conscious creator
July 28, 2018

One of the greatest medicines I found in my youth: After the rape of my soul they tried to exorcise the Indian out of me. It hit me hard, like a bomb going off inside of my stomach.. They thought their victory came when I blacked out. They did not know that when I blacked out it was because my Indian Kacheena, she came and grabbed my hand and took me to a safe place deep down inside far away from the pain that was outside.. When I awoke I was full of rage and hatred against them, and the emptiness inside of me felt like a bomb had exploded inside my tummy… and rocking and holding my stomach like that I began to weep..

And weeping I looked around and saw a great psychic war was taking place across the Earth, to the children of the Earth..

There was a girl, and to most she appeared hardened of heart, and bitterness had come upon her… but when she told me the story of her soul, of the rape that had come upon her and changed her whole world and how nothing looked the same after that I turned my tears away from weeping for me, to weeping for her…

And looking around I saw so many wounded inside the psychic battle of innocence stolen at the hands of another and upon waking inside the dark cold reality the rage and hatred kicking in protecting them from the pain they felt of having the innocence stolen from their hearts… In my brokenness I found myself walking around weeping for all the others as I listened to their stories inside a room that was full of rage and hatred….

and by weeping for others more than myself.. this is what I believe was the medicine that guided the path to my healing..

I really believe that Love could not have found me if all I did was wallow in despair for myself (or I could not have seen love standing there as long as I only felt and embraced the rage only within myself in self pity… I really believe that there is healing medicine in weeping for all the same or similar stories.. that this act enables one to see that hand of love has come to lift them from their misery..

and from this point I began my journey to become a conscious creator…… All my love… Destiny

Kundalini and a Higher Love
February 12, 2014


Sometimes it would feel like the Kundalini was burning through me and sometimes the feeling was of the Kundalini coming in through my base chakra and spinning, which in turn would activate another energy center upon my body and as if Time was standing still I would watch a second galaxy within my being spinning.  Every so often as I was watching a second galaxy spinning within my being, I would feel like this movement, this pull and then watch as the galaxy would be pulled down a black hole.


In time I came to recognize that these moments were for the transmutation of energy, that parts of my self that were no longer serving my higher good were being ‘shed’ so to speak so that my Kundalini could rise higher and higher until at last it arrived in my heart center and began to command of me that I release my old concepts of what love is and accept into my personality essence a higher form of love..

clouddancerCougar spirit mountain lion 

So I have been sharing my journey of 10 years with Rick here in my blog. He has been both the Cougar and the Dark One and  Rick is the Indian who turned and sang to the Thunderbeing June 17, 2010 and upon seeing that my heart chakra opened wide and my Kundalini began its sacred journey of spinning me into ecstasy while burning a purification through me..

Navajo Trail of Tears 

My journey with Rick was always kind of a rough tumultuous journey.  In the earlier years I would complain to him that he was like a bull in my china shop and when I would get mad at him I would just disappear for at least 3 months to a year.  It would take that long for my rage to calm down before I would wander on back to him (because, for one thing, when we were getting along we were best phone buddies, talking for hours, sharing our visions always endeared me to him,) so even though I would leave him in anger I would always wander back into his camp and feel him wrap his astral arms around me again until I would get mad and explode away from him again while he would yell at me how this came from our Trail of Tears and complaining, “You are leaving me again just like you did on the Trail of Tears.”


We traveled for many years in a love/hate relationship..  Even through my Kundalini journey it remained tumultuous for reasons that are hard to express.. like we are opposites, he believes in demons and evil.. and I don’t so it would be pretty consistent the times we would clash with each other and I would spiral away from him for a time.


The Kundalini calls us to a higher love.  It is not a speedy journey, this 3 years it spent purifying my lower regions, opening the energy field within me until at last it had burned all the way up to my heart chakra and called me into this feeling of unconditional love..


Yesterday morning when Rick and I were talking on the phone we had this moment of clash which in the past would more likely been an exit point with me storming one direction and him another..  I became very passionate, like a storm blowing a hard wind, unrelenting until he just kind of shut the door and said “I am going inside”


It was amazing because it was not anger that I felt but pure passion..  In the place where we love we are like 2 spirits in one tree, skin on skin and in the place where we clash we are like a porcupine flaring its needles to ward off a meat eating predator..  It is the natural order that the porcupine, once no longer feeling threatened by the meat eating predator, the porcupine continues foraging its way through the forest like nothing happened.  It does not hold bad feelings against the meat eating animal whose path crossed its path..


A short time later Rich approached me from a different direction and was telling me that I had gotten angry with him and attacked him. but I told him it was not anger, it was passion….  and then we journeyed to our rights to be different expressions within the same world..  until at last again we were snuggly close in our affections again.


This is a higher love that I am now expressing from this Kundalini journey.  I just discovered I have no desire to leave him again because of the place where we clashed… 

I see a higher love is coming through me in this Kundalini journey…


((((..  and I still have my throat chakra, my third eye and crown chakra for the Kundalini to journey through in the years ahead…))))

short term love affairs on long walked journies
January 29, 2014

I think I am ending it with Rick.. It began a little while back, something, a gesture he made and the next thing I know I feel myself being propelled away from him and as I listen to him say, “you are doing it again, you are leaving me. I don’t want you to keep leaving me like this.” I try to tell him that I don’t want to leave him again.. but my heart it just keeps traveling in a different direction and before I know it I reach the point where I am just kind of feeling like I don’t want to talk with him anymore.. That is where I have been since last weekend.

Navajo Trail of Tears

There is something about the Trail of Tears he says that haunts us, that has to do with my always leaving him. This time he sent me the link above with this picture which he captioned “for healing”holds me in my sleep

The problem is:  I don’t remember what happened between us there and every time I try to get him to share it with me so that my memories can be restored he always says, “It’s too painful.”  .. and then I just leave ..

That is where I am now, stuck between turning and walking away in disgust and holding on to the memory of what it feels like when he holds me as I sleep….


PS… it is the way he holds me when I sleep, that is one of the strong points over why I keep trying to find my way back to him, no matter how many times I leave, when the dust settles and I am alone in my bed I always find myself searching for the gentle feel of him holding me.

It is as if in our waking hours I can feel the tug of an Indian life we shared, and me a strong willed girl with him a strong willed man struggling through the sense of betrayals, struggling through all the pain inside the journey until the night comes and there he is holding me so sofgesturetly..

Anyway I seem to be in my dream time, in the time of my bear medicine. I seem to need the clatter to slow down so I can sit with the Ancient Council, the ones who guide my journey and receive my next set of instructions..

I think part of the problem with Rick is that as we draw closer my telepathy picks up and I begin to hear what he says inside his head and it winds up becoming more than I can process.. and here I am in my sleepy time, in the time of the Bear Medicine, needing the restpid of a quiet mind, but listening to too much clatter.

I sent him this after I wrote this piece.. I do not actually know that he will still be around when I awaken..