short term love affairs on long walked journies

I think I am ending it with Rick.. It began a little while back, something, a gesture he made and the next thing I know I feel myself being propelled away from him and as I listen to him say, “you are doing it again, you are leaving me. I don’t want you to keep leaving me like this.” I try to tell him that I don’t want to leave him again.. but my heart it just keeps traveling in a different direction and before I know it I reach the point where I am just kind of feeling like I don’t want to talk with him anymore.. That is where I have been since last weekend.

Navajo Trail of Tears

There is something about the Trail of Tears he says that haunts us, that has to do with my always leaving him. This time he sent me the link above with this picture which he captioned “for healing”holds me in my sleep

The problem is:  I don’t remember what happened between us there and every time I try to get him to share it with me so that my memories can be restored he always says, “It’s too painful.”  .. and then I just leave ..

That is where I am now, stuck between turning and walking away in disgust and holding on to the memory of what it feels like when he holds me as I sleep….


PS… it is the way he holds me when I sleep, that is one of the strong points over why I keep trying to find my way back to him, no matter how many times I leave, when the dust settles and I am alone in my bed I always find myself searching for the gentle feel of him holding me.

It is as if in our waking hours I can feel the tug of an Indian life we shared, and me a strong willed girl with him a strong willed man struggling through the sense of betrayals, struggling through all the pain inside the journey until the night comes and there he is holding me so sofgesturetly..

Anyway I seem to be in my dream time, in the time of my bear medicine. I seem to need the clatter to slow down so I can sit with the Ancient Council, the ones who guide my journey and receive my next set of instructions..

I think part of the problem with Rick is that as we draw closer my telepathy picks up and I begin to hear what he says inside his head and it winds up becoming more than I can process.. and here I am in my sleepy time, in the time of the Bear Medicine, needing the restpid of a quiet mind, but listening to too much clatter.

I sent him this after I wrote this piece.. I do not actually know that he will still be around when I awaken..

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