Did I tell you I dove into the black hole?

black hole 2
There was nothing else to do, she had to dive into the black hole. She had to merge with his pain so that it could undergo the transformation and pass through her like it was suppose to.

She was inside a point of where there were no smiles. One with the pain she felt the loneliness as though Love had been ripped from her heart and she did not know how she could live without his love, did not know how she could smile again or ever feel at peace again.

Inside the passage of Time she could feel him slipping away, turning towards the new path he was on, even as she could feel him lingering she could feel the distance become farther and farther away from her.

Inside of herself she was weeping frantically wondering how she would survive, how she would ever hold her spirit high again as she desperately did not want to have to walk alone again. She was thinking of him, how he would react if he knew that his leaving felt like a ripping apart of her soul. He would say, “but Sweet destiny who I was told to follow, I am following the path you told me to take, doing exactly what you told me to do.” And she would know he was right, that when it was happening she had screamed across their Universe that he must do this now and without hesitation he must go heal that wound… but she did not expect that his leaving would leave her feeling as though Love had been torn from her heart and without his love beside her she was feeling empty and lost. She did not expect that by doing that she was going to enter into the heart of the great sorrow he had experienced for the last 5 years.

She was inside of his pain, and she knew this, she was footsteps behind him upon the same path, traveling down the same path he had traveled down beginning 5 years ago, but she was not feeling noble at all. In her deep sorrow she wanted to hurt someone, hurt the one who had caused him the great pain he had suffered.

She discovered it was just better if she kept her mouth shut in this place, because when she would try to speak her lips would betray her and reveal what her heart was feeling. When she would hear herself discussing with her friends what had happened with such bitterness, she knew that she was not as noble as him because in the whole time she had been walking with him never once had he surrendered to bitter talk, only he to the expression of pain did he express. He did not resort to speaking of the one who broke his heart in ugly words ever, but his focus remained upon his children and the pain he felt to not be near them. So as Destiny followed behind him in his footsteps, having now absorbed his pain into her she could see that he was better than her, much more noble he than she for inside her raging tears she could show no one for the loss was too great, and to speak on it made bitter medicine fall from her lips. So she had to hold it all inside of her and not let it out let it betray her and become a bitter pill to swallow.

She could feel it really strong at work when she did not have time to think about how empty she felt inside. She would find herself suddenly bursting into tears, but she was not willing to let anyone see her weeping from the emptiness.

Inside her also she kept being confronted with the feeling of wanting to run away and flee the pain. She did not want to suffer to walk alone without love standing close next to herwhen signs appear heart. She wanted to flee, to run away from this pain but it was not allowed. She was a girl who watched the signs, listened closely to what momma told her and above all she watched the signs. And everything inside of her was saying that no matter how hopeless this appeared that she was not allowed to flee but must travel on through to the other side.  She kept being told this all was part of their journey, no matter how hopeless it looked, she was not to be allowed to run away.

As the days passed, her misery increased. It felt like Time was standing still, each second without him felt like an eternity of tearing as they spit apart from each other.. his love from hers and hers from him, the sacred dance they had performed together slipping into its place of distant memory, making her burst into tears at unexpected places, making her heart ache with despair, leaving her feeling cut off from him, from everyone, making her want to go Home and stop experiencing the human expression.

Finally she knew that she was going to have to travel within to see why it was that she was becoming so lost inside this grief. On one side she had all this logic that spoke her of endless time, of endless love, of countless missions they had performed together, of her knowledge that he needed to travel down this path to heal this wound for the wound was a brokenness that was inside of him.

On the other side she was lost inside of her grief and could not reconcile the years of emptiness that faced her on the road ahead. There was an endless possibilities of endings to this story and each of them left feeling like she needed to find the exit door. That she just needed to go Home. That Love was not going to find her worthy but continue to beat up upon her spirit and show her its face in others but never its face in her reflection.

It was her decision to go in search of the source of her great loss and grief that lead her to a room inside of her darkness where she found a door that she softly opened. Inside the room, lying in a crumpled heap on the floor was her inner child weeping. She was feeling that once upon a time Love had lighted upon her path and she had touched it and then watched as Love had been torn from her grasp while she stood, like a friend that some said she could not have any more and had ripped him from her while she stood there helpless without anyone to protect her from it happening or could find noone to comfort her inside her tears of grief for the loss.

And I, Destiny, standing in the doorway, watching her laying there weeping in a heap of despair felt a moment of helplessness. She was my inner child and I was responsible for her well being but how could I help her when I was so lost inside my sorrow, when I was feeling that everything I held sacred was being torn from me, lost in this black vacuum of darkness with all feelings of sacredness being torn from my heart. All the memories along the way of the journey to Loves heart, all the visions I had held in sacred trust, all being torn from me inside this black hole that I was now in.

How could I help her when I myself was lost?

Then inward became outward as I realized that he was in the place where he needed to be, that for 5 long years he had suffered inside this place where I had now suffered for a month… and every time after that when I felt her great sorrow over the loss of them, I began to tell her the story of how he had walked for 5 long years feeling exactly like she felt over their loss, it was the same loss he had felt for 5 long years, where every day without his children had stretched into an eternity of endless sorrow.. and now I just remind her that we have taken this journey for him so that he will not have to live every day with sorrow in his heart, because now we know how he felt every day for that whole 5 years, how bad he hurt inside his heart and we don’t want him to have to feel that way any more..

seems to be okay with

and she seems to be okay with that.. she seems to understand now.

Love, Destiny

There are no comments on this post.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: