Her love make me feel like the Earth… and her love makes me feel crazy all at once.
I have found myself feeling the highest high and the lowest low with her and then she comes back and I realize we are standing in the ebb and flow of high tide and low tide… And I think one of these days I will no longer freak out when she leaves and will spread my legs in joyous anticipation when she returns to my naked land to again feel her naked waters running over me again in Heavenly Perceptions..
My love (who is a Cheyenne Two Spirit) has returned to me again. It can be a hard cold bitter world being a Two Spirit, with every thing that must be faced. while the newer generation has worked hard to reopen the path, for the older ones there is much pain to heal.
We were journeying together when she went back to a place that she had traveled to many times. when she came back she did not tell me what happened, she just place me some songs from hell and told me that she had to leave right then and there.
I was hurt and going to leave also, but a butterfly blue showed up and talk to me and told me to follow my Two Spirit.. So I did, even though, in my heart, I felt again as though I had lost hope, for she, my soft on soft had disappeared into her male energy. So I changed my name to River Song and followed them on their journey of silence and words unspoken.
Eventually I moved and began a new journey into the life of carbon monoxide poisoning (though I did not know that was happening until I became really ill) I didn’t know what was wrong but my River Song to her, as I waited for her, began to stop flowing.. and my status magically changed to Sleeping, and I began to sing songs of longing for her to come back.. and entertained her with many Leo pictures.. which began to fall off with the carbon monoxide poisoning when I could no longer hold my focus..
Somewhere inside the dream of this sleep I saw the first movement of her energy changing. she sent me a picture that had some words that said, “When you find someone who makes you feel magical every time they touch you, you should cherish them.”
She did not just suddenly reappear with those words, but they were like the moment she let me know I made her feel magical.. Of course after that I began fading because I was becoming more deeply affected by the carbon monoxide poisoning. It was all I could do to hold my jobs #1 holding prayer for the Lakota Nation, and #2 holding the job that supports me financially. Beyond that I could not hold my focus. And it was not until after I figure out what was making my brain to swell so big that I could not get my neutrons to fire properly that I was able to find my way back to again feeling like a River Song singing to her…
she has this way about her. She does not speak with spoken words to say what is going on but instead she sends pictures to speak for her. she sent me a picture representing her and in her hand was a bubble. In the bubble was I. In another of the group a woman had gone into the forest… and in another a woman sitting at the edge of the forest, waiting… so in her way she told me that she saw me sitting there the whole time waiting for her to find herself and return and that I had traveled with her as she made her journey..
Then in the moments just before her return to me I found myself in the memory of a vision I was given in 2004… when I was 13 (in 1969) I got molested by a family member. In that moment my innocence was stolen and in years ahead I had to take a journey to have a seed from the Tree of Forgiveness be emplanted into my heart for I simply could not forgive the man who did that to me.
In time he had grown old, but he seemed to be afraid to pass from this world and regressed back to his childhood..
In the meantime I was a girl of vision, trying to follow the visions, trying to follow the instructions I was given. til at last I arrived at the age of 48 to have my dad call one day and say the relative had been found in a coma lying on the floor…
In that moment I went into vision. I began walking through 3 dimensions all at once.. Now is not the time to write that story out for the vision lasted about 6 weeks and had many details, one of which involved a Ceremony for Healing the last remnants of Past Wounds. I was to take to the man who molested me in my youth the bridge he needed to cross to pass from this world to the next, then I was to travel to the place of my molestation and travel back through time to whisper to my younger self to find my focus in the flower so I could walk away, as I was frozen with what was happeneing,and after that the instructions were that I was to travel to a Sacred Mountain called Manataka and lay my heart upon my Mother.
I was very questioning of why I should do this, (go to Manataka) so I was praying for an answer when a portal opened up and I saw my 13 year old self curled up in fetal position.
In front of me I could see Grandfather of the Wolf Clan. His regalia was the skin of a Wolf, that covered his body with the wolfs head coming over the top of his head. In his hand he held his staff of power which he brought down to the Earth with a power so loud it shook the Earth and sounded like Thunder.
With this, even as he circled me clockwise, he swung his staff and danced counterclockwise as if to say, “Moving forward we will now heal your wounds from the past..
Behind Grandfather of the Wolf Clan came the Eagle Dancer.. and behind the Eagle Dance came the Star Dancer. She was the tallest woman I have seen, very very thin, with long long legs and behind her a trail of Stardust that was the Train of her sparkling white dress. Her hair was braided up in such a way that it had the appearance of a Constellation surrounding her head..
It was in one of the pictures that Lakota sent me that I saw her, the Star Dancer with the long long legs (Lakota is 6’2″ and I am 5’3) and realized the immensity of this journey we are taking.
It is easy to get swept away in feelings of heart break and sadness. Easy to allow ourselves to leave and not continue down the path of the Twins who came to heal a planet and escort it to the 5th dimension.
In love with a Two Spirit I have found myself traveling to the highest highs and the lowest lows.. We try to run away from each other, but I am bound by my contract with the Earth by which if I follow the path she tells me to take I will feel the least amount of pain or discomfort and will achieve the reason for which I was sent, so when she sends her butterfly to guide down the path with my Two Spirit, I am bound by a leap of faith that where she is leading me to is the place where I am being sent.
The life of the Two Spirits, at this time, is mostly torture for their spirits have been torn to shreds and to walk with dignity many times means traveling against the grain of who they are, and trying to find comfort in others who are like them… but they too have been torn to shreds.. so it can be a bit vicious just trying to find some peace in this world..
Somewhere in this last journey of being separated from her I came into the knowledge that, no matter how sexually attracted I am to her soft on soft skin on skin I have to give birth to her and I being friends.
It may seem that this should have been the logical conclusion all along but there are parts within me that the Earth continues to purify. I have a possessive nature about me, and while some couples hold the same value, Two Spirits think different then non Two Spirits. So anytime my possessive nature has come up she will simply say, “My body is mine to show who I chose to show.”
So inside myself I am giving birth to a higher love. Friendship is being required of me even as she has now returned to stand so close I can feel her soft on soft.. whispering